The Olympic Games are a wonderful sporting and cultural event. There is no doubt that the athletes are the world’s elite.
However, the games could do with being opened up a bit more. And I’m not talking about simply adding some sports that would seem to be obvious contenders such as drag racing, ballroom dancing, hot dog eating and paintball.
No, what I’m thinking of is a more egalitarian version of the Olympics. One that would engage the interest of everyone and open up heretofore undreamed of possibilities for participation.
The following is a list of some potential events and where the talent most likely lies:
(1) TV-remote Wrestling – for the kids.
(2) Cell Phone Speed Dialing – for high school, community college and university students.
(3) Backtracking and Apologizing – for all the husbands of the world.
(4) The Horizontal Luge – with expertise acquired by couch potatoes while watching the Olympics on television for hour after hour. With no false modesty, I must say I’m pretty good at this.
(5) Falling Asleep the Fastest at Bedtime – I don’t know how she does it (nor am I entirely sure why, though I have my suspicions), but my wife Donna is world-class in this event.
(6) 180 Degree Position Turns – for politicians. This could even be scored, similar to what is done for ice skating. “The judge from Austria gave that performance only a 4.5.” And political manoeuvres could have fancy names, like the Triple Sowkow, based on who does the most dramatic about-face or invents a new one.
(7) Clock Watching – for just a small portion of government employees.
(8) Briefcase Tossing – for corporate executives.
(9) A Triathlon for Drivers based on horn honking, lane changing and beating the red light – My home city of Toronto has an excess of people with skills in this area.
(10) Celebrity Spotting – for the paparazzi.
(11) Running to the Bathroom or the Kitchen during Commercial Breaks − The course for this could be set up with obstacles (furniture, clothes hampers, the dog, etc.), much like the hurdle event in the “real” Olympics.
(12) And finally, my favourite, Sauna Sweating − Wouldn’t you just love to see this? It would be without equal as a spectator sport. And imagine the prestige of being the lucky individual who is assigned the job of measuring and comparing the output.
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