Who are you, carbon, that everybody is chasing you? Why do they want to capture and store you? What have you done to deserve such approbation and disapproval? Don’t you have rights too? How did things come to this sorry pass?
You are such a renegade. I’m sure there is a background story. There always is. You must have had a difficult history. A psychological profile would help with understanding about your predicament. Here’s a mix of best guesses and what I have learned about your nature.
You had parents that either abandoned you or were cold and uncaring. At the least, they were distant and distracted, wrapped up in their own concerns. You barely made it through the lower grades in elementary school, but you were good at sports.
As a child, you used to wear a patch over one charcoal eye. But it was only for effect. You see yourself as a swashbuckler. Everyday, on the freeway, you and your pirate mates throw a tailgate party. As traffic slows to a crawl, the air grows thick with your revelries.
You’ve always run with a bad crowd, the worst elements in the periodic table. Anyone who works with plants knows how you like to come out at night. It’s your alter-ego oxygen that loves the sunlight. All the talk about a greener environment acts on you like kryptonite.
You don’t need computer dating. There are monoxides and dioxides just waiting to throw themselves at you. You’re a magnet for molecules. The chemistry between you is astonishing. Don’t think that others haven’t noticed and aren’t jealous.
There’s a new weapon in the war to bring you in. Lately, you have been hearing how “the man” wants to render you “carbon neutral”. You don’t like the sounds of that. It’s likely to be painful and embarrassing. You have more wild seeds to sow and further global warming to propagate.
What is most ironic is that all of the outcries against you are being led by carbon-based beings. Humans are no longer “into you.” This is the height of intolerance. It is a sad scientific fact that our own kind often treat us the worst. What is to become of you?
If incarcerated, how hard will it be to break free? Maximum security measures will be enforced. Maybe you can crawl out through the prison’s ventilation system. But beware of scrubbers. They want to clean you to the point where you’re see-through.
How about hiding in a laundry truck or going over the wall? For either of those tactics, you will need an accomplice. In the past, nicotine has matched you crime for crime. You both steal the air that everyone breathes. But don’t get too committed to her. She can be a drag. Caffeine might be a better sidekick. He can give you a boost.
To this point in your life, you have been a repeat offender, a recidivist. You can’t be rehabilitated and you’re proud of it. Fancy ladies in pretty dresses shriek when they hear your name. This gives you a thrill, but it can’t be allowed to continue. Steps must be taken to avoid tragedy. Here’s what I think about your prospects.
What’s the worst that can happen? Say the heat is turned up and you come under pressure to change. I believe that you will emerge from the experience much improved, with more polish and a diamond-hard resolve to do better. Once you embrace the inevitable, those same fine ladies who once reviled you will quickly come to love you instead.
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I feel I must apologize for the title of this next story, but I won’t retract my conclusion, based on a lifetime of experience: Everybody’s Crazy.
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For my first book, “Two Scoops” Is Just Right, please click here for the paperback version and here for the Kindle e-book version.
For the sequel, “Three Scoops” Is A Blast! (with the award-winning “Size of the Skip”) click here for paperback and here for Kindle.
For “Four Scoops” Is Over The Top (containing Hemingway short-listed “Caboose Follies”) click here for paperback and here for Kindle.
And finally, for my latest book, “Five Scoops” Is An Addiction!, please click here for the paperback and here for the Kindle digital version.
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